Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
You Might Also Like
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Hard not to take this personally