[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
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ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
and now we wait
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it