Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
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A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
#TopTip
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
respect