Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
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I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.