[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
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Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
catch me on valentine’s day like
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context