I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
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“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you