COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
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Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
😂😂😂
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!