Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
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Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
*seductively eats two tums*
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
LOL
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *