I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
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I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
I don’t think my car can fly
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
My five year plan is a meteorite
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
I want to meet the individual who made this