Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
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36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Knock Knock
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
When you’re here for the treats.