Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
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Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one