Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
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Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Bless you
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
it’s the silliest best thing
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes