Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
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I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
And they lived apathetically ever after.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse