shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
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Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable