Who called it baking and not making love
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Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.