I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
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If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Me: how are you
Friday: good
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.