When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
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me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t