[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
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“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
wtf management?!
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.