You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
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I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Whoa… oh I see lol
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.