“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
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People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!