“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
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Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
You can’t rush stupid.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating