My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
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Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
i prefer mine room temperature.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Does beer think about me too?
man i love columbo
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please