My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
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Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.