I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
You Might Also Like
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
My background check bounced.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.