Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
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got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Saw your ex at the shops
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
*exercises sarcastically*
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.