I self medicate, therefore you live.
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I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?