ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
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i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Monday?
No. Next question.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.