I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
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booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.