I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
You Might Also Like
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
It be like that sometimes 😆
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.