It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
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velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Stop it! 😂
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
I feel so good when I drink enough water. Not like, physically. I just feel like I’m better than everyone else
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line