‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
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A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese