[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
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Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
My birth announcement for our third baby
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me