[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
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Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
I know karate and tons of other words.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
house sitting!