Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
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A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
[My first day as an architecture major]
*raises hand*
When are we going to learn how to build gingerbread houses?
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Watching the lawn mowing guy on YouTube. Always pushing the products. He’s actually got this stupid t-shirt that says “I’m sexy and I mow it.”
Mine should be here in a few days.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.