I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
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Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
When I snag the last meatball.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars