“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
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A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
marvel comics have peaked