That stupid look on my face, is my face
You Might Also Like
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
New Tinder profile.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide