My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
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If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Weighing up my bread heating options
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids