Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
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They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?