My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
You Might Also Like
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons