My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
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She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.