Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
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me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.