Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
You Might Also Like
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
#dnd #ttrpg
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.