Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
You Might Also Like
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
technically true but not a great slogan
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
Everything reminds me of my ex
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet