BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
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The Backseat Boys
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now