Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
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Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”