Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
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I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.