This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
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[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.