Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
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Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR