A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
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One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
Canadian owl: Eh?
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.